Cold Opens Season 05 | Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Cold Opens Season 05 | Brooklyn Nine-Nine


– Just eating butter like
a Popsicle huh Boyle? – Yeah, I know I’m spoiling
myself, but I’m depressed. Or have you forgotten
that Jake, my best friend is in prison? – Wait, Jake’s in prison? – Yeah, he and Rosa were framed for a bunch of bank robberies
by Lieutenant Hawkins. – Oh right, and where’s Gina? – On maternity leave. We were all at her baby shower last week. – Okay, and why am I bleeding? – I don’t know Hitchcock. – Oh, so you don’t have all the answers. I’m bleeding ’cause my piece
of crap son-in-law bit me. – Look, we all miss Jake
and Rosa, which is why we have to keep working the case. There has to be some way to exonerate ’em. – I’ve been looking but
I can’t find anything, and I don’t know what to do. – I can’t find anything and
I don’t know what to do. Title of your sex tape. – What is happening right now? – They caught Hawkins
trying to flee the country. She confessed to everything,
and they let me out. – Oh my God, Jake is it really
you, are you really here? – You know it baby. But first, I gotta hug my best friend. – What?
– Welcome back Peralta. I just heard from the mayor. To apologize for what happened to you they’re sending you to Disney World. You and one male guest. – As long as I don’t have to
go on any of the scary rides. – I just go for the shows. (laughs) – [All] Boyle, Boyle,
Boyle, Boyle, Boyle, Boyle. – Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again? – Why did you wake me up, I
told you never to wake me up. – So I got assigned to this one rookie and on his training day I made him smoke angel dust at gun point. King Kong aint got nothing on me. – Isn’t that the plot and tagline of– – The movie “Training Day,”
yes great observation Tank. It’s because it’s based on my life. – Lunch is over, bus your trays. Now Peralta. – I haven’t finished my lemon cookie Bull. – And you’re not gonna get
to either, give it to me. – Oh you want the cookie. (inmates groan) There’s your cookie. – You’re going in the hole. – Oh I’m going in the hole? – Yeah.
– Yeah, bring it on. – [Inmates] Jake, Jake, Jake. – Remember what you saw here. You can lock me up, but one
day I’ll get out of here and I’ll come for you,
I’ll come for all of you. Hey warden what’s up? – Next time don’t wait too
long to spit the cookie. I’ve been waiting in here for
four minutes and it’s gross. – Oh man it really is. – Okay snitch time, what’s up with Romero? – All right he’s got a delivery coming in on Wednesday night. One of the cafeteria workers
is smuggling something in with the produce. (laughs) – Great, see ya Thursday. – Wait, what? You’re just gonna leave
me in here in solitary. – You spit in a guards face,
that’s five days in the hole. – Yeah but I mean you made me do that. – We don’t want anybody getting
suspicious huh, have fun. (banging on door) Try not to go crazy. – Okay, no big deal. Five days is nothing. I’m not afraid to be
alone with my thoughts, my thoughts are awesome. Die Hard 6 on a cruise ship,
pizza bagel restaurant, my father never loved
me, I’m gonna die alone. Oh boy, that happened fast. Guard, guard! – Okay we’re all set up
in there Mr. Peralta. Just sign here. – What’s all set up, what’s going on? – Oh thank you for asking Terence. You see, the food in prison was inedible, all I thought about day
and night were the things I wished I was eating. And you Amy, I thought about you a lot, sex with you, just us
doing sex with foreplay. – Great save babe, thanks. – And so I decided to make
my food fantasy come true. Unbutton your pants
and take off your shoes ’cause there’s gonna be
a doink load of sodium at Freedom Feast 2017. We begin where all great stories begin, in the quaint little town
of French Fry Village. After that we’re gonna
move our adventure over to Cheeseburger Mountain,
which consists, you guessed it, of turkey burgers, I’m
kidding, it’s cheese burgers. This is kinda just stuffing,
you can avoid that, but it’s attached to the
Thanksgiving turkey theme, ’cause I was thinking about
that a lot up in the jail. And finally we have a
big old Passover brisket ’cause you know I loves my mom. If you would all take a
seat while I make a toast. Kindly raise your two liters. To freedom, to you, and most
importantly to orange drink. And sex with Amy. – [All] Sex with Amy. – Sorry, shouldn’t have
said that last part. (alarm blaring) Halloween. It’s heist time. (Jake screams) – Thought you’d get a head
start on heist prep, good luck. I’m already dressed. – Well, I’m also dressed,
and I made breakfast. Wait, where are my eggs? – In my belly. (screams) Now get a move on, it’s heist time. – I love Halloween. Hey Charles, can we talk in
the briefing room for a sec ’cause there’s a question I gotta ask you. – Uh-huh. It’s happening, Jake is
gonna pop the question. He’s gonna ask me to be his BM. – No.
– Uh-uh. – BM, best man, it’s
a common abbreviation. – No one but you has ever used it. – I am so relieved, I thought
maybe he was gonna ask one of Amy’s brothers, or uh, Serge. – Hey man, come on. – [Jake] Charles! – Oh my God. – Okay so I know this is a lot to ask. – No it’s not, I wanna do it. – You wanna cover my shift this weekend so I can go to the White
Plains Mall and meet Daryl Strawberry at the
opening of a cellphone store? – Yes. It’s exactly what I was hoping you’d ask. – Great, thanks. You sure it’s okay. – Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I’m very happy about it. It’ll be fun, it’ll be fun. Look at my smile. I have to go now. – [All] Surprise! – Oh my God. Jake. – What do you say bud, will you be my BM? – Yes, yes a million times yes. In your face Terry. – What I’m holding a sparkler for you, I helped organize a lot of this. – Well you can stick that
sparkler up your butt, I’m a best man. – Okay, hole me. – Nothing but mouth. – Whoa, impressive. – Are you kidding me that’s nothing. Diaz has been chucking
d-holes into my mouthpiece since we were back at the academy, check this out. (upbeat music) (cheering) ♪ Express yourself ♪ ♪ I’m expressing with
my full capabilities ♪ ♪ And now I’m living in
correctional facilities ♪ ♪ ‘Cause some don’t agree
with how I do this ♪ (cheering) ♪ I’m dropping flavor, my
behavior is hereditary ♪ (cheering) (gasps)
– Uh-oh. Heads! – What the? It’s finally happening. – Gobble, gobble. Tommy Gobblers back and he wants to hear what you turkeys are thankful for. – Charles, you gotta stop. – No, I don’t gobble understand people. – But Charles–
– Gobble. – Dude.
– Gobble. – Gobble, gobble, your
tail feather is caught in the gobble door. – Thank you, gobble, wait what? (Charles screams) Oh. – I think your feathers
are ripping, gobble. (fabric tearing)
– Gobble. – Hey Jake, guess who just called me? – The Jerky Boys, they’re back. – No, what? No.
– No. – DC Parlov, he’s in town for Legend Con, and he has a case for us. – Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. – Parlov, didn’t he write
those Sky Fire books, I thought he turned out to be a jerk. – Yeah, but ever since
Jake and I saved his life, he’s actually been very nice. He even sent me a Christmas gift, a full scale replica of
the Sword of Opadoma. (Jake groans) – Why are you so excited, you don’t care about those stupid books? – I actually did read
all of them in prison, they’re the greatest books I’ve ever read, and I’ve read Cujo. – Jake and I really bonded
over Sky Fire, watch this. Favorite moment in the series. – [Both] The summoning of Bella Castro. – Second favorite. – [Both] The Scarlet Feast. – Third favorite. – [Both] When you thought
Kolar had been swallowed by the Norleth but he
had just switched armor with Samling the betrayer
in the battle of Orcastle. – Fourth favorite? – Three was plenty, so was zero. – Okay I can see that
you’re skeptical Rosa, but how about this. Come with us on the case,
I know you think it’s dumb but Sky Fire is actually very
smart, and dark and adult. It’s not for nerds at all. – Oh, on our way there should we sing the Elvish hunting song? ♪ Sharpen your swords
and string your bows ♪ ♪ The beasts have gone away. ♪ – I’ll get back to you
guys by the end of the day with all the logistics. – Sergeant Terence
Jeffords, four years ago on this exact date you
told me I was too old to learn how to do the worm. I vowed on that day to prove you a fool, and today I shall. Check it. (upbeat music) (Jake groans) More fire, ba ba ba ba bow. – As I was telling the squad, our old CO Captain
McGintley just passed away. – Oh no. – We’re going to Los Angeles
for the funeral next week. I’ll have the travel details later. – Hey has anyone seen the worm because this funky chicken’s hungry. – Charles, a man has died, read the room. – And so concludes this
years secret santa drawing. Just a quick reminder of the rules, $40 limit, no perishable
items, and no home made massage coupons Hitchcock. – Fine, then everyone will have
to pay full price for them. – Oh Captain, I would like a $40 gift card to any restaurant that serves nachos. – I don’t have you Peralta. – Not only do I know that
you do indeed have me, but I also know who everyone else has. – That’s not possible. – Perhaps not for ordinary
men such as yourself Jeffords, but for the brilliant mind of Detective Jacob Sherlock Peralta, I legally changed my name,
it’s quite simply elementary. For you see Amy made a
face I only recognize from our bedroom which means
that she has Captain Holt. Charles has Terry, his eyes
keep shifting over to him. – No they don’t. – Terry look disgusted which
means he has Hitchcock, Rosa didn’t draw a name,
nor did she put one in, she doesn’t wanna participate. Hitchcock moves his mouth when he reads, and he quite clearly said Charles. – I did get Charles. – Scully has Amy, he’s holding
his paper name side out. – Oh he’s good. – And I have Scully which
means Captain Holt has me, I’ll be taking that gift
card, daddy loves nachos. – Shall we draw the names
again and leave Jake out? – [All] Yeah. – No Sherlock wants a present. – Thank you Margaret. – You’re welcome Raymond. – Seamus Murphy. – That’s right. Remember how I saved your
detectives from prison in exchange for a favor? The time has come– – Wait this isn’t my order. – What? – This isn’t my omelet, I
only eat omelets on vacation. – Yeah, I don’t care what you eat, I’m here to call in the
favor that you owe me. – Really, what if I say no? – This is you asking me
for intel and promising to pay me back, how do
you think this would look to your bosses, especially
now that you’re up for the Commissioner job? Yeah, I know everything. – So, what do you want from me? – A permit to throw a block party? We don’t even have to break the
law, this is fantastic news. – I am not giving Seamus
Murphy that permit. He only wants to use the block party as a cover for something criminal. A robbery, a murder, or something worse. – You don’t know that for
sure, and that’s your loophole. – I don’t believe in loopholes. – What? Loopholes are the best, remember that time when Pancake Palace had
that all you can eat deal but they didn’t set a time limit. I ate pancakes for a week for 3.99. All I had to do was sleep
there and never shower. – What? Thanks for the invite friend. – I will not be using a loophole Peralta. As always I’ll be using
the main hole or no hole, I choose no hole. – You just said hole way too much sir. – And that’s coming from Charles. – Yes, that’s concerning. – Oh you think you know
someone Jake, unbelievable. – Accounts of the first
Punic war in the year 263– – Ah yes the first pubic
war, the sexiest of all wars. Hi Dr. Alberin Einstive, I’ve
an urgent question for you about Ancient Greece, shall we walk? – Of course, Dr, I feel
like you said Einstive? – Yes that’s correct, it’s a family name. – What is going on? – Captain Holt sent me,
just follow my lead. Your theory is wrong, the Greeks did not climb out of the Trojan horses butt. – Put this on. – A rose shearing hat at work, people will think I’m demented. – Just put it on. – Kevin, Dr Einstive. – Ah Professor McGonagall. – Why is Boyle dressed as me? – Shh. Get in. – But this cart is–
– Get in. Professor.
– Student. (dramatic music) – Hello Kevin, it’s me Raymond Holt. We need to get you to safety,
your life is in danger. – Peralta there was a boss
B&E at a jewelry store in Atlanta that just turned
into a hostage situation, they want you to be the negotiator. – Oh my God, my prayers
have finally been answered. – You prayed for a hostage situation? – Yes I did, every single day. – I don’t understand, why
isn’t ESU handling this? – Apparently the hostage
taker asked for Jake by name. – Oh yes, it’s getting even cooler. Oh man I wonder who it is? Ooh, maybe it’s the brother of
someone I put away for life. Ooh, or the identical twin of
someone I put away for life. Ooh, or the fraternal twin of– – Jake, just get down there,
and take Diaz with you. – Yep, yep, yep, yep, how do I look? It doesn’t matter, let’s go negotiate. (sirens wailing) Hey everyone, I’m here, I’m Jake Peralta, the negotiator. – Oh so you’re Jake Peralta. – The negotiator, yes. Who are you? – Dennis Cole, ESU,
this was my crime scene before you bozos got here. – Nice to meet you too Dennis. – I’ve spent 10 years as a negotiator and you just took my
first hostage situation. All I’ve done up ’til now is
talk jumpers off of rooftops. – But that must be satisfying
in it’s own way right? – Yeah, really satisfying
saving a crazy persons life. Whatever, here’s a little advice, I don’t like you two. – Not so much advice as
it is a hurtful statement based on limited interaction. – He wants to talk to you. Get the hell in there. – Ooh, it says negotiator on it. This is Jake Peralta, I am unarmed, and I’m approaching the building. You wanted to talk to me. – Keep those hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. – What? – I’m just messing with ya Peralta, put your hands down, give me a hug baby. – Judy! (tense music) Oh yeah. (tapping on desk) – I’m Philip Davidson,
Detective Jake Peralta asked me to drop by. – Hmm, the dentist who murdered someone. Spoiler alert, they think you did it. Can you show him to
interrogation room C please. Have fun in there. – Thank you. – What are you smiling about? – How uncomfortable this guy is? Jacked up the thermostat,
got the table all sticky, made one of the chair legs too short, and worst of all, I had Gina greet him. – What did you have her do? – Be herself. – Poor son of a bitch. – Yeah, why are you wearing a tuxedo? – Kevin and I are attending the opera. – Ooh, the opera, is it
the one Bugs Bunny sings? – Yes, so who’s this? – This is Philip Davidson. – What do we have on him? – Clear motive, clear means, and a non-existent alibi but
the DA won’t bring a charge because he says it’s all circumstantial. If we wanna bring this guy
down we have to get him to confess right here, right now. – Hmm, an interrogation
with a ticking clock, and everything on the line. I better call Kevin
and tell him I won’t be attending the opera, there’s someone else I’d rather hear sing. – Oh damn! – Hello Kevin, I won’t be joining you at the opera tonight
– I’m sorry I didn’t know you were on the phone already. – The tickets are under
– Oh damn – My name, H-O– Santiago, your test results
on the sergeants exam has arrived. – Ooh, everybody make room,
Amy needs adequate space to do her signature dork dance. – I don’t know if there’s
gonna be a dork dance. Look how small that envelope is. That’s not a big good news envelope, that’s a little bad news envelope. – What, that’s nuts. Serge, tell her envelope
size doesn’t matter. – If I’m being honest I
got a much bigger envelope. – Oh God. – Unhelpful Terry, very unhelpful. – Mine was bigger too. – Okay, I just won’t ever open it, that way I’ll never get rejected. – Fine, I’ll open it. – No! (Jake groans) – Do it harder. – I opened it. You passed! – Oh my God, I’m gonna be a sergeant. – You’re gonna be a sergeant. (all cheering) – Oh no it’s happening. Woo! – That’s my future wife. Pigeons still here? – Yeah, no matter what we
do he just won’t leave. – The problem is you’re
thinking like detectives. – No I’m definitely not. – When you should be thinking like a bird. This is Operation Saving Private Pigeon. On my mark I will turn on this fan, gently startling our bird due east into the file box canyon
where he will encounter Charles holding two pot lids. He’ll bang them together,
forcing Private Pigeon into the ceiling there, and
out of the ceiling there, where he will be greeted by scary Rosa, holding a scary picture of an owl. Now he’s playing our game. He’ll veer left into an
upside down garbage can, propped up by a hockey stick and connected to a string
that Gina is holding. She pulls it, he’s trapped,
and Terry releases him outside. – Terry hates birds. – Okay little friend, let’s
get you home to momma. (fan whirring)
(Jake screams) Oh God, it flew right into
the fan, it’s everywhere. There’s pigeon everywhere! So, do you recognize any of these men? – I was hiding in the bathroom stall so I didn’t see his face but I heard him. He was singing along to
the music at the bar. – Do you remember what he was singing? – I think it was that
song, “I want it that way.” – Backstreet Boys, I’m familiar. Okay. Number one could you
please sing the opening to “I want it that way.” – Really? Okay. ♪ You are, my fire ♪ – Number two, keep it going. ♪ The one desire ♪ – Number three. ♪ Believe when I say ♪ – Number four. ♪ I want it that way ♪ ♪ Tell me why ♪ ♪ Aint nothing but a heartache ♪ ♪ Tell me why ♪ ♪ Aint nothing but a mistake ♪ ♪ Now number five ♪ ♪ I never wanna hear you say ♪ ♪ I want it that way ♪ – Oh chills, literal chills. – It was number five, number
five killed my brother. – Oh my God, I forgot about that part. – Charles, wanna grab a
beer before you go home? – Oh a yeast feast. – Never mind. – No, no, no, I wanna go
it’s just there’s a huge emergency I have to deal with first. – Oh no, is everything okay? – It’s about my food truck, I have to get a parking spot. – That doesn’t sound as intense as you were making it out to be. – Move your arse you old bitch. – What is happening? – We have to get there by seven o’clock when they lift the parking restrictions. It’s the best spot in Brooklyn
and everyone wants it. – Get the hell out of the way. (car horn blaring) – Charles, I highly doubt the
entire food truck industry is racing to get into this
one spot, it’s not Mad Max. – We’re neck and neck with rice pudding, you’ve got Korean Tacos on your six. – Oh my God, it’s real,
we’re on the Fury Road. Witness me (drowned out by music) – Hold on tight. (screams) – Here comes the bachelor,
all dressed in my nice jacket I only wear for special events. – Oh you’re already on fire. – Thank you my friend, and gentlemen, welcome to my bachelor party. This is the elite party squad, that is assuming the captain
is ready to let loose. – Captain, I don’t think so. I want you guys to think
of me as one of the boys, so tonight I’ll be swapping
out my captains hat for my Kangol hat, call me Raymond. – Okay Raymond in the Kangol hat, I will definitely call you Raymond, Raymond in the Kangol hat. This is the best night of my life. – Mine too, Sharon gave me
permission to get wasted. She’s even putting a
pasta pot next to the bed in case I hurl. – Smart, I’m definitely
putting a pasta pot on our wedding registry. Charles, tell us everything
we’re doing tonight. – Well that could take a long time, I’ve been planning this
bachelor party for 10 years. – I met Amy eight years ago. – What does she have to do with this? – Jake, hey I’m happy for you both. No, no, tonight is about creating a bond that will last forever,
tonight is about the Bach Boys. – We can brainstorm the name later. – No we can’t because I
already made fanny packs. – Well that settles that. – This clearly says Bach Boys. – No it’s Bach, you know, like
the beginning of bachelor. I’ve been working on this
for 10 years, don’t ruin it. – Okay, so lets fanny up Bach Boys because it’s time to party. – Woo woo. – Yes, whoop whoop Raymond in the Kangol. Let’s go. – Jake hurry up, I’m starving. – Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I just had to grab my wallet. – Gentlemen. (camera clicking) Fine, I was trying something
and it didn’t work. – I am so sick of this city. I go into a coffee shop and
as soon as everybody sees that I’m a cop they stop talking
and they avoid eye contact with me, one lady even walked out. I am just tired of being
treated like the enemy. – Hey Hitchcock your penis is hanging out. – Oh, that’s a relief. – I can’t believe this is a
rec center, it looks amazing. – You look amazing, foxy as hell. – Simmer down Boyle. – No, no I love it, amp it up Boyle. – Happy too. Jake your body is kicking, and skin as clear as a summer day. – Ohh. – Jake!
– Aimes, you look beautiful. But when are you getting
your makeup put on. Y’all she woke up like this. – Not not Jake, we’re in crisis mode. The cake hasn’t arrived yet, Mason woke up with the chicken pox so we don’t have a ring bearer. Plus look what I found on my veil. – Ooh. – I planned everything so perfectly and now it’s all falling apart. – No it isn’t, take a deep
breath all right we got this. Terry, Rosa will you please take this veil to a dry cleaner, and if
they won’t do a rush job, make them, use force. – I mean we’re not gonna abuse our power. – Of course not we’re good cops. I was just exaggerating. Rosa I was not exaggerating. – Great. – Okay, now for the ring bearer situation. This actually might be
a blessing in disguise, I know that he’s your nephew
but I wasn’t super jazzed about Mason. – Yeah he should be cuter. – His face is too small for his head. He’s a Dick Tracy villain. But I have a new ring
bearer who is very adorable and very obedient. – I would be– – I’m talking about Cheddar the Dog. – Yep right. – Brilliant, he loves responsibility, I’ll go pick him up. – I’m gonna go with
Holt, seems like people are pairing off for adventures, and we have the best rapport. – Cheddar, are you crazy, what about my– – Allergies, got your meds right here. I brought them just in
case Hitchcock decided to wear his toupee again. It’s very clearly not human hair. – Human hair is indistinguishable
from badger fur. – That is absolutely not
the case but that reminds me you two, our wedding
band canceled last minute and I need you to find a replacement. – You can count on us. – Flat Top and the
Freak, we always deliver. – Our band canceled? – Not in any way, shape or form, but it’s a very stressful
day and I thought things would go better without
Hitchcock and Scully here. – Oh that’s so smart. – Look babe you planned a great wedding, it’s gonna be a perfect day. – Phone call for you sir. – Thank you. That would be the cake
guy saying he has arrived. Hello. – [Male] Jake Peralta. – Yes. – [Male] There’s a bomb at your wedding, it’s set to explode at 5:30,
everyone inside will die. – So that was not the cake guy.

Only registered users can comment.

  1. The face of the first guy when jake ask him to sing the first verse of i want it that way was gold

  2. Jake: “Mwahahahaha! it’s Heist Time! – AAAAHHH!”

    Amy: “Thought you could get a head start on Heist prep? Think again. I’m already dressed.”

    Jake: “I am also dressed, and I make breakfast. *pulls back covers* hey, where’s my eggs?”

    Holt: “In my Belly”

    Amy and Jake: “AAAAAHHH!”

    Holt: “Now get ready, it’s HEIST TIME!”

    Jake: “I love HalloWEEN!!!”

  3. "i'm already dressed"
    "i'm also dressed"
    this quaint little bit of dialogue is lifted verbatim from Amy Santiago's sex tape

  4. "Hello Kevin. It's me, Raymond Holt."
    "Hello, Kevin, I won't be joining you at the opera tonight. The tickets are under my name. H-O-"
    Yes Captain your husband knows these things

  5. Jake trying so hard to not freak out when he hears the bomb threat because Amy's already freaking out big time, it's so sweet.

  6. The last number of your like is the character you are in Brooklyn 99.
    Jake=1
    Amy=2
    Holt=3
    Rosa=4
    Boyle=5
    Terry=6
    Hitchcock=7
    Scully=8
    Kevin=9
    Milipnos=clay

  7. Theres just one plot hole in this series i can remember. Holt says at one point "eggs for breakfast?!…" and now he ate up Jakes eggs.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *